Birthday Funk

** TRIGGER WARNING **********************************************************************************************

My biological birthday always has created an emotional funk (my sexual abuse started within 24 hours of my birth).  Additionally, I’m really wanting to heal my right hip stuff but getting traction 3 times this week has really been emotionally overwhelming.  Not having therapy to buffer these events is really hard.  Brain pain, visual disturbances, dissociative amnesia, strong emotions and I just haven’t been able to keep us going.  I daydream about eating lots of food that puts me in la-la-land.  Right now there is just no reprieve.

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Insurance Company error

So it turned out that my insurance company made a mistake with me and many, many others.  So my primary medication is not required to be only received by mail order.  They just needed me to call them and then they did the correction while I was on the phone.  Why this error wasn’t communicated to the national help center, so anyone needing help on Sunday, would have been re-assured that their maintenance medication would be available — is probably because everyone is too busy or didn’t even think about how the error was effecting individual policyholders … not from intentional carelessness.  I’m glad it is resolved.

Got all but one of my tasks done over the weekend AND am physically – emotionally feeling the effects

— more dissociative amnesia (difficulty with time and days/nights)

— more dissociation (HF and Becky not staying present)

— increased severity of brain pain on right-side lateral edge of vision center and posterior edge of speech center and having issues with finding words to speak with and vision is not clear

— more general fatigue

 

My right hip pain, bilateral upper leg pain and the wobbly gait has been present for a few years now.  Since the 2 foot reflexology treatments alleviated the severe upper leg pain, I’ve decided to go forward with more physical treatment.  I am receiving 3 lumbar traction treatments per week for this week and the next.  The initial chiropractic assessment showed propriceptorial deficiencies on the right-side below the waist and neuromuscular deficiencies directly connected to suspected spinal stenosis at L3 and L4.

The treating chiropractor doesn’t understand the ‘trauma’ link, but I am coping with the CPTSD aggravations so far. They are altered taste; and anxious talkativeness.

I trade services with a massage therapist that does energy work on me weekly.  He knows my psychotherapist, who was able to explain to him the best way to do energy work on us.  So instead of directly addressing specific complaints with massage therapy and gemmotherapy, it’s best to match my energy frequency and send this energy to me via his hands on my feet or neck or cradling my head.  When the frequency is matched, then he can feel my energetic system ‘speaking’ about how much intensity to use and when to cease a particular session.  The 3 different energy workers have commented about how my energetic system ‘speaks’ and how fast I respond.  This week’s energy treatment resolved the speech issue during the treatment and 36 hours post-treatment clear vision returned.

 

 

Medication Refill Denied

Just spent one hour at my local pharmacy.  I had requested via the usual automated telephone system a 30-day refill of my anti-depressant and anxiety medication.  The pharmacist informs me that my insurance has declined to refill my script because this medication must only be filled through a “mail-order” pharmacy.  It’s a Sunday and the local insurance help center is not open.  The pharmacist spoke to someone in the national help center, which has very strict protocols about helping or not.  So no override available so that the pharmacist could not officially give me a few days of my medication.

I have been using this medication for about 8 years and getting a 30-day bottle with this same pharmacy the whole time.  The national insurance help center says they mailed me notification about this change in October 2014.  I have received no such notification.  And meanwhile, the prescription has been successfully refilled every month.  I don’t understand why this didn’t trigger a “red flag” at the insurance company and a repeat notification sent to me or an email or some contact.

I am very sensitive to pharmaceutical medications.  It took me 3 years to get to the correct-for-me dosage of this medication versus the pharmaceutical company’s recommended schedule of 6 to 8 weeks.  For me at this dosage, I am incapacitated unable to drive, unable to see clearly and clear cognitive thought is not possible if the once-daily dose is missed even by a few hours.  I made the mistake once a few years ago while traveling out-of-state.  It took me most of 3 days, confined to bed, to recover from that delayed dose.

So out of the pharmacist’s compassion and understanding for me, he gave me 2 days worth and told me precisely what I need to say to the local insurance help center, on Monday morning, to insure that I get my medication for this month while the mail-order prescription service is being setup.

This event was emotionally disturbing to me.  One that my healthcare is taken for granted, again, by anonymous others.  Two that this happened in public, not over the phone while home, so I felt really exposed and unable to protect myself.  Anger and frustration that this weekend’s (Sunday & Monday – because I work on Saturday) rest seems to no longer be feasible because can envision spending lots of time on the telephone tomorrow getting a resolution.

I immediately texted my brother as I could feel the emotional overwhelm ‘swamp’ me.   I successfully walked to my car and was able to sit in the car while my brother and I exchanged texts.  I observed as Becky dissociated (or was gently moved away from front stage*).  The Kids’ stone face moved to front stage and figured out what and how immediate plans needed to change.

Becky had planned on completing two other errands and then having a late lunch or early dinner out on a gift card.  One of the errands was no longer possible because the store had closed while she was talking to the pharmacist.  The Kids determined that other errands were no longer feasible, as the strength for engaging these tasks in ‘public’ was gone.  The Kids decided that we needed to do our due diligence of finding and printing the forms for the mail-order program, so we would sound and be relatively prepared for the conversations tomorrow with the insurance company help center and requesting the immediate required prescription from Becky’s physician.

*=see Page called Internal Organization and Parts

 

Sleeping and Acidic Saliva

Sleep

I continue to sleep from 1am to 8am.  But I had forgotten about the side effects of sleeping.  Flashbacks and body memories intrude during sleep creating nightmares, clenching of jaw and hands, and crying.  The nightmares do not generally wake me up but when I awake my hands are sore and there are dried tears on my face.  Some years ago, a friend taught me to hold small stuffed animals, one in each hand to prevent my fingers from clenching into a painful fist and prevent the radiation of pain up my forearms.  So I am holding Grey, a gray-faced brown monkey, in one hand and Treehouse, a squirrel holding a nut, in the other hand.

 

Saliva pH

A little history, my saliva has always been TOO ACIDIC.  So much so that my dentist of 25 years ago, told me that I could expect my teeth to have rotted away by my 50’s. At that time, he measured the pH of my saliva to usually be from 3.5-4.0 pH. Healthy saliva is expected to be between 6.5 and 7.5.  The pH scale is 0 to 7 acid, 7-14 alkaline and 7 is neutral. The smaller the pH number, the greater the acidity and the larger the number, the greater alkalinity.

He hoped that as time passed that dental implants would improve so that would be an option for me. And that has come to pass. The oral surgeon had the difficult job of removing my upper teeth. Above the gum line were a few rotted remains but below the gum line there were healthy roots which were not easily removed.  I have worn an upper denture secured by implants for 1 year now.

I am experiencing an episode of more severe acidity in my mouth. It’s not that I am experiencing less saliva but that the components of my saliva are more out-of-balance.  My tongue is raw, cracked and feels like it is burned.  The buccal (inside of the cheek) surface is also painful and fissured.  This episode has currently lasted 3 days and nights.  More saliva is released into the mouth when there is food present and so eating has become a painful gruesome experience.

Last night I ate my dinner very slowly. One or two bites followed by 8 to 10 ounces of water and repeat. Overnight, I dissolved Xylitol lozenges continuously in my mouth. Xyiltol is a plant-derived sugar substitute. It has the unique characteristic of not forming acidic compounds when reacting with saliva and does not mediate with insulin.  This morning, I ate breakfast with a Xylitol lozenge in my mouth, so I was able to tolerate eating more food without an increase of burning sensations.

 

Healthy pH

Healthy blood pH is important because it affects how the brain interprets pain signals, allows healing and regeneration and much more.  Hospitals can, and often, monitor the blood pH of their patients.  At home, individuals can measure their saliva and urine pH as reference to what their blood pH is.  Many things affect the blood pH.  Many diseases, conditions or syndromes create or thrive in a more acidic environment.  The specific foods that are consumed affects your pH.  Processed foods and drinks are all more acidic.  Sugary liquids and solids (like soda and corn sugar-based juice drinks; pastries, candy) and caffeinated liquids are acidic.  I only drink filtered water. I have never been a coffee drinker nor have I ever smoked cigarettes.

 

Saliva and Autonomic Nervous System Research

I feel that my acidic saliva is a trauma related/mediated issue, much in the same way as my incredibly low blood pressure (70/50) is a trauma related/mediated physiological response.  In researching saliva, I found some interesting and compelling information.  The wikipedia at http://www.en.wikipedia.org says

“The production of saliva is stimulated both by the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic.[10]

The saliva stimulated by sympathetic innervation is thicker, and saliva stimulated parasympathetically is more watery.

Sympathetic stimulation of saliva is to facilitate respiration, whereas parasympathetic stimulation is to facilitate digestion.”

 

So then I needed to remind myself about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, the two divisions of the autonomic nervous system. The wikipedia says,

 “The autonomic nervous system is responsible for regulating the body’s unconscious actions. The parasympathetic system is responsible for stimulation of “rest-and-digest” or “feed and breed”[2] activities that occur when the body is at rest, especially after eating, including sexual arousal, salivation, lacrimation (tears), urination, digestion and defecation. Its action is described as being complementary to that of the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for stimulating activities associated with the fight-or-flight response.”

 

And now I am saying to myself, this is a connection that I need to remember because it specifically is connected to my trauma and some of my current developmental issues of urinary incontinence, inappropriate sexual arousal, erratic body temperature, low blood pressure and acidic salivation.  The wikipedia on parasympathetic nervous systems says,

“Nerve fibres of the parasympathetic nervous system arise from the central nervous system. Specific nerves include several cranial nerves, specifically the oculomotor nerve, facial nerve, glossopharyngeal nerve, and vagus nerve.”

 

√ ⇒ Bingo!! Vagal nerve – Peter Levine’s book In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness – Somatic Experiencing.  Earlier this week I ran across the below image and found the article, “Somatic Experiencing: using interoception and proprioception as core elements of trauma therapy” by Peter Payne, Peter A Levine, Mardi A Crane-Goreau, on Frontiers of Psychology: Consciousness Research, 04 February 2015 | doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00093, at http://journal.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00093/full

www.frontiersin.org

Somatic Experiencing is a form of trauma therapy that bests approximates my 12 years of intensive individual psychotherapy and energy work.  Interoception can be defined as sensitivity to stimuli originating inside of the body.  Proprioception can be defined as the ability to sense the position, location, orientation and movement of the body and its parts.

My experience of the relationship between interoception and proprioception has been confusing.  Sometimes they are the same and sometimes they are far apart.  I can sense where my physical body is and how it moves through space AND I sense where it feels like my physical body and parts are.  For instance, I often have had the experience of knowing my physical body was standing up and walking with full mobility of both legs AND at the same time had a felt sense that my body was organized in space differently, such as split along my midline and the left side was orientated higher than the right. Another example is knowing that I am sitting in a chair and all my body parts are physically connected but have reported feeling/sensing that my body is cut-up and separated into parts like a horizontal cut at my waist, vertical cut at my midline, and further cuts separating limb parts and sometimes no sense of hands, etc.  As a young adult, I learned to differentiate between the physical reality and the felt sense and honor both experiences.

Then back to making a connection to my developmental issues, I found the article “The Early Development of the Autonomic Nervous System Provides a Neural Platform for Social Behavior: A Polyvagal Perspective” by Steph W Porges and Senta A Furman on Infant Child Development, 2011 Feb; 20(1): 106–118, doi: 10.1002/icd.688 at http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3079208/ .  With my first read-through of this article, I feel validation for developmental issues and the correlation to my trauma experiences.  I also feel more hopeful about effecting change developmentally.

 

Helping The Kids Sooner

The Kids are a group of internal parts aged newborn to 9 years of age.  While I have been working on this post this evening, The Kids made it clear the burning tongue and buccal area needed to be addressed sooner as it is too triggering of their dire helplessness. Specifically, they began our conversation with chanting “Die, Die, Die”.

I researched homeopathic remedies via a few online homeopathic remedy finders and found that Belladonna 6C matches the symptoms of acidic saliva as well as my interoception of coldness and my general ongoing anxiety.  So I’m looking for a local source of this remedy so that I can hopefully positive effect the acidic saliva as soon as possible.  And then longer term explore what other options exist to treat and resolve it as a developmental parasympathetic nervous system issue.  I continue to constantly be dissolving Xylitol orally and drinking water.

 

 

 

 

 

‘Altered Taste in my Mouth’ Reoccurs

I’m still sleeping 6-7 hours overnight.  It’s a blessed experience.  It feels like the 24-hour day is shorter – which I’ve experienced before as no longer a need to fill as much time every day.  Although I have noticed my daily anxiety level is higher, not sure where and how I can affect it.

Last few days, I have been experiencing the ‘altered taste in my mouth’ thing.  The ‘altered taste’ has been experienced once or twice every few months for many years.  During these time periods, food and water do not taste as expected and generally everything tastes like bland mud.  Most of the time it starts ‘out-of-the-blue’.  Sometimes it seems to be triggered by our processing of traumatic memories or specific energy work on or around our brain.

Since my foot reflexology session about 7-10 days ago, I have not experienced upper leg pain and seem to be able to walk longer without discomfort.  Although my right hip’s range of motion is still reduced, as I continue to have difficulty raising my right leg to get into my car.  Yesterday, I received another foot reflexology treatment.  During the treatment I felt more energy flowing through my pelvis and was able to stay present.  In the past I haven’t tolerated energy movement through my pelvis; it always was quite triggering and I would immediately feel disturbed and could dissociate.

In my knitting realm, I discovered http://www.threadsofcompassion.org.  All they ask is you knit or crochet a scarf at least 5 inches wide and 65 inches long AND that is soft and comforting.  I will be making a scarf and I’ll post a picture when it’s finished.

“Threads of Compassion is a loosely connected group of survivors of sexual violence who desire to offer comfort and support to recent victims. The idea is simple. Anyone whose life has been affected by sexual assault or abuse is welcome to knit or crochet a scarf which will then be given to a victim of sexual violence when they enter the hospital for emergency treatment.”

 

My Daily Energy

2 years ago, I woke up without the energy to move myself physically out of my bed.  I did not work for 6 weeks and was wheelchair-bound while a multitude of medical tests were done. All results negative except for one blood test, Anti-Nuclear Antibody (ANA) which suggests the potential for an Auto-Immune Disorder. Negative results are 0-10, positive results are 15-40 and my result was 640. My internal organs (brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidney, pancreas) are healthy. I generally do not have any physical pain, just low energy.

I live alone. My food preparation is limited to anything that does not require standing for more than a few minutes. I take sponge baths instead of showering. I use a motorized cart in the grocery store. Outside of work and home, I use a front-wheeled walker. I work 3 days per week, with 1 day between each work day for resting and knitting.

Knitting is therapeutic because it engages both brain hemispheres and is calming to us. Psychotherapy ended in 2014, after 12 years of intense work. I am co-conscious except when I am not. I have been co-conscious for 5 or 6 years now. I have one close friend. My immediate biological family is not supportive. The totality of who I am is unknown to most who interact with me.

I experience much anxiety when I need to interact with the world outside of me in any way. It is difficult to take out the trash or to go to the laundromat or text my landlord or return phone calls and many times it just doesn’t happen. I am fully aware that how I live day-to-day is outside the ‘norm’ and is upsetting to many. I know I am better when I am not spending the majority of my time alone but I do not know how I can facilitate and find safe people.  I make a decent friend. I have a great laugh and enjoy laughing. I am loyal, generally positive and accepting of others.

New Sleep Pattern Emerges

I’m sorry I was unable to post on earlier this week. It took me a few days to realize that my immune system was fighting something and that I needed to not work, take Chinese Herbs and rest.

 

Lack of sleep has always been a statement of fact in life. During my first 30 years, I never slept more than 3 hours consecutively. In undergraduate school, I used it to an advantage by scheduling my work hours during the time when everyone else was sleeping. My goal was to get 2 3-hour periods of sleep each 24-hour day. Since the return of my previously repressed childhood abuse memories, I have needed light to sleep. A friend expressed concerned when she discovered that I was sleeping with an overhead light on. So I transitioned to leaving a light on in an adjacent room.

I told my primary care physician about 7 years ago that if you grouped all nights in a year together, then I would say that 25% of the nights that I got 6 hours of sleep. More recently, my sleep study showed that I never go into Third Wave or REM sleep (the 4th and 5th stages of sleep).

The infographic by Heidi Hanson about her “5 Step Self-holding Exercise for Self-Regulation of PTSD Symptoms”, which was inspired by Peter Levine’s work ‘Somatic Experiencing’, recently came to my attention. See link below:

The 5 Step Self-holding Exercise

I tried the first 3 steps. The third step felt very uncomfortable. So I have just done the first two steps at least once daily for a week. Voila!  I am sleeping for 7 consecutive hours per night starting Wednesday night 02/11. I am sleeping 1am to 8am. Quite amazing!  Since February 2013, I have been unable to get to sleep before 4am. The terror and sleep revulsion has been insurmountable.

When I changed the third step slightly to holding back of head instead of the front, then the discomfort dissipated. The concept of holding my head side-to-side and front-to-back is appealing to me. During times of active change, I often experience ‘brain pain.’ Brain pain is not a traditional headache. My brain pain has only been alleviated via ‘energy work.’

Sometime during my active psychotherapy counseling, it was discovered that my left and right brain hemispheres were not actively communicating. It was no surprise to us. Our perception was each hemisphere had ‘big picture’ job and they did not need to communicate to each other to get their job done. I have received a considerable number of hours of ‘energy work’ to facilitate and improve left and right hemisphere communications. And I can no longer state that my hemispheres operate individually.