QiGong Class Changed Us

I attended a QiGong class on March 22.  The teacher was a Master of QiGong with Chinese family lineage going back about five thousand years.  He spoke through a translator.  Although I found I could ‘hear’ another lecture by just observing him.  I expected to be influenced by being in his presence for 7 hours but did not know what the longer term effects would be.

I tolerated the class much better than expected.  I chose to sit instead of standing and the teacher was fine with my choice.  The majority of the class was learning active movements of Qi as we learned to interact with The Universe differently.  But I did not feel overly tired until the last hour.  For the 4 days after the class, I had no physical pain.  About 10 days after the class, my right side brain pain moved to the left side in a different pattern.  I also am experiencing less dissociative amnesia.

Curt does energy work on me weekly.  He noticed the overall increase of my energy, during my first treatment following the class.   During my second treatment following the class, he was able to physically release some Qi affecting my right hip*.  I could feel the energetic connections between my right hip, left side of neck, all of lateral most aspect of my back and down to my left ankle.  It felt as if Curt was twisting my whole body around my mid-line core, actually he was supporting my head as it turned slowly like a stretch to the left.

*There is a lot of ‘trauma’ stored in the area of my right hip.  Physically my gait is lopsided and painful.  It has seemed resistant to change but now I see it’s slowly changing.

I’ve also noticed myself just being more accepting, comfortable and less anxious  being me.  I’ve been thinking and processing about being OK to be me.  Accepting that I’m in different place of being than most individuals that I come in contact with here locally.  My life has been different AND it was ‘designed’ to be different from the beginning.  It’s beyond the influence of my early childhood trauma.  It’s like the trauma is just some layers of influence.

I’ve successfully removed white sugar from my eating lifestyle and thus I am needing less Xylitol to maintain a lower saliva acidity.  I’ve fired up my slow cooker making a couple of one-pot meals that were tasty and more adequately nutritious.  The Sleep With Me podcast has increased the number of nights that I actually sleep.  I am still unwilling to force myself into the potential terror of sleep.  But when I am able to listen to the podcast,  I usually sleep.

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Birthday Funk

** TRIGGER WARNING **********************************************************************************************

My biological birthday always has created an emotional funk (my sexual abuse started within 24 hours of my birth).  Additionally, I’m really wanting to heal my right hip stuff but getting traction 3 times this week has really been emotionally overwhelming.  Not having therapy to buffer these events is really hard.  Brain pain, visual disturbances, dissociative amnesia, strong emotions and I just haven’t been able to keep us going.  I daydream about eating lots of food that puts me in la-la-land.  Right now there is just no reprieve.

New Sleep Pattern Emerges

I’m sorry I was unable to post on earlier this week. It took me a few days to realize that my immune system was fighting something and that I needed to not work, take Chinese Herbs and rest.

 

Lack of sleep has always been a statement of fact in life. During my first 30 years, I never slept more than 3 hours consecutively. In undergraduate school, I used it to an advantage by scheduling my work hours during the time when everyone else was sleeping. My goal was to get 2 3-hour periods of sleep each 24-hour day. Since the return of my previously repressed childhood abuse memories, I have needed light to sleep. A friend expressed concerned when she discovered that I was sleeping with an overhead light on. So I transitioned to leaving a light on in an adjacent room.

I told my primary care physician about 7 years ago that if you grouped all nights in a year together, then I would say that 25% of the nights that I got 6 hours of sleep. More recently, my sleep study showed that I never go into Third Wave or REM sleep (the 4th and 5th stages of sleep).

The infographic by Heidi Hanson about her “5 Step Self-holding Exercise for Self-Regulation of PTSD Symptoms”, which was inspired by Peter Levine’s work ‘Somatic Experiencing’, recently came to my attention. See link below:

The 5 Step Self-holding Exercise

I tried the first 3 steps. The third step felt very uncomfortable. So I have just done the first two steps at least once daily for a week. Voila!  I am sleeping for 7 consecutive hours per night starting Wednesday night 02/11. I am sleeping 1am to 8am. Quite amazing!  Since February 2013, I have been unable to get to sleep before 4am. The terror and sleep revulsion has been insurmountable.

When I changed the third step slightly to holding back of head instead of the front, then the discomfort dissipated. The concept of holding my head side-to-side and front-to-back is appealing to me. During times of active change, I often experience ‘brain pain.’ Brain pain is not a traditional headache. My brain pain has only been alleviated via ‘energy work.’

Sometime during my active psychotherapy counseling, it was discovered that my left and right brain hemispheres were not actively communicating. It was no surprise to us. Our perception was each hemisphere had ‘big picture’ job and they did not need to communicate to each other to get their job done. I have received a considerable number of hours of ‘energy work’ to facilitate and improve left and right hemisphere communications. And I can no longer state that my hemispheres operate individually.

 

Difficulty Walking and CSA Connection

********** POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING ***************

***child sexual abuse details included in this post ***

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Some Known Details:  My feet, hands, torso and head were tied to a peg board that laid on a horizontal surface in my uncle’s bedroom. My head was held turned to the right-side. I was often choked to unconsciousness by his penis in my mouth or I would be awakened from sleep by my choking. Often I would urinate, in response to the foreign objects that he had inserted and twisted in my vagina and anus. He would get angry and more violent after I urinated, so as the months and years passed I ‘learned‘ to not urinate. I experienced lots of spasm pain in my limbs and neck as I struggled against my restraints and his actions.

Now:  Masturbation has been self-soothing to the vaginal and anal body memories. Urinating during masturbation has created feelings of freedom and expansiveness. Since the newest body memory, I have found that my physiology and physical body RELAXES when my fingers are placed next to labia and/or in vagina. I have found myself waking up rested with my fingers in these areas. This is profound because awaking rested from sleep is unusual. The shame previously associated with masturbation seems to have ‘melted‘ magically away.

I have struggled for many years with knee pain, upper leg pain, inability to stand or walk for more than 5 to 10 minutes without falling or intractable pain. Outside of my workplace and home for last few years, I have used a walker to prevent falls. When using the walker, I have noticed that I can walk for more time and generally I feel more confidence in walking. In previous years, I learned to bring my awareness to my legs and feet before I moved from sitting (or laying) to standing and walking. Just always making sure I had present awareness of my feet and legs before using them greatly reduced the number of falls I have experienced.

There is no physical reason why walking and standing are so difficult. But by connecting some ‘dots‘ of cellular memory, it seems to make sense. As a newborn, I experienced whole body discomfort and pain that interrupted the normal expected development of body awareness, then body movement awareness, then to the activities of crawling, standing and walking.

Today I received a foot reflexology treatment, during which I felt energetic movement and release of stagnation in my upper legs. Afterwards while at work, I felt less pain in my upper legs. In the next few days, if I continue to experience positive change in my legs, then I will arrange for some weekly treatments. Due to my high sensitivity (HSP), I can be easily overstimulated by physical treatments. So when choosing to receive a series of new therapeutic treatments, I choose to create some observation time between the first and second treatment to make sure I am tolerating the treatment appropriately.

 

 

 

 

HSP, CSA and Me

I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and had the unfortunate experience of early childhood sexual abuse (CSA). I do not want to be understood as saying my sexual abuse experiences were better or worse than someone else; comparing is pointless. My abuse started during my first week of life outside the womb and these experiences were profoundly intensified by my high sensitivity.

Within a diameter of 60 feet around me, I am highly aware of all physical movement, energetic intentions and presence. Thus every single time my abuser approached me, I could sense his feelings, thoughts and intentions before he actually started. Yet, as a newborn there was nothing that I could do to escape or protect myself.

I am easily overwhelmed by being in a crowd of people or being in a large store with many different items, signs and tags. Some people may feel uncomfortable while in my presence as they sense my focused attention on them. When in fact, I am not staring or paying specific attention to them but am just present as myself. And by being present, I am often know what individuals are thinking, feeling or otherwise experiencing. Other examples include my acute sensitivity to any concentrated chemicals, like pharmaceuticals, cleaning agents, perfumes;  artificial lighting, high frequency or loud sounds.

What is a HSP?

Richard J O’Neill, HubPages Author, states “Highly sensitive people are a very intriguing group of people indeed, not only for their extreme sensitivity to almost ‘everything’ but also for their unique abilities such as heightened intuition, powerful senses and an almost psychic level of empathy with people they interact with.”

At the bottom of this post is a widget for a 14-question quiz from Richard J O’Neill that can help you determine what level of HSP, you are. I am a Type E with a sensitivity level of 5.

The wikipedia (at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person), uses the acronym DOES to illustrate the characteristics of a HSP as:

Depth (and more thoroughly) of sensory processing

Over arousal

Emotional reactivity and high empathy

Sensitivity to subtle stimuli

 

As a Projector type, and a student, of the Human Design System I suspect many HSP are also Projectors. Projectors like HSP, are about 20% of the world’s population. As a minority of the world population, Projectors are often unrecognized for their unique characteristics and thus pushed into becoming what they are not. Projectors are a non-energy type, so they need to ‘plug-in’ to other people’s energy to have energy and are designed to recognize others’ potential and process information deeply. For more information about the Human Design System, please go to http://www.ihdschool.com.