Difficulty Walking and CSA Connection

********** POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING ***************

***child sexual abuse details included in this post ***

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Some Known Details:  My feet, hands, torso and head were tied to a peg board that laid on a horizontal surface in my uncle’s bedroom. My head was held turned to the right-side. I was often choked to unconsciousness by his penis in my mouth or I would be awakened from sleep by my choking. Often I would urinate, in response to the foreign objects that he had inserted and twisted in my vagina and anus. He would get angry and more violent after I urinated, so as the months and years passed I ‘learned‘ to not urinate. I experienced lots of spasm pain in my limbs and neck as I struggled against my restraints and his actions.

Now:  Masturbation has been self-soothing to the vaginal and anal body memories. Urinating during masturbation has created feelings of freedom and expansiveness. Since the newest body memory, I have found that my physiology and physical body RELAXES when my fingers are placed next to labia and/or in vagina. I have found myself waking up rested with my fingers in these areas. This is profound because awaking rested from sleep is unusual. The shame previously associated with masturbation seems to have ‘melted‘ magically away.

I have struggled for many years with knee pain, upper leg pain, inability to stand or walk for more than 5 to 10 minutes without falling or intractable pain. Outside of my workplace and home for last few years, I have used a walker to prevent falls. When using the walker, I have noticed that I can walk for more time and generally I feel more confidence in walking. In previous years, I learned to bring my awareness to my legs and feet before I moved from sitting (or laying) to standing and walking. Just always making sure I had present awareness of my feet and legs before using them greatly reduced the number of falls I have experienced.

There is no physical reason why walking and standing are so difficult. But by connecting some ‘dots‘ of cellular memory, it seems to make sense. As a newborn, I experienced whole body discomfort and pain that interrupted the normal expected development of body awareness, then body movement awareness, then to the activities of crawling, standing and walking.

Today I received a foot reflexology treatment, during which I felt energetic movement and release of stagnation in my upper legs. Afterwards while at work, I felt less pain in my upper legs. In the next few days, if I continue to experience positive change in my legs, then I will arrange for some weekly treatments. Due to my high sensitivity (HSP), I can be easily overstimulated by physical treatments. So when choosing to receive a series of new therapeutic treatments, I choose to create some observation time between the first and second treatment to make sure I am tolerating the treatment appropriately.

 

 

 

 

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Published by

didhsp

A highly functioning, highly sensitive person with DID and CPTSD from early childhood sexual and physical abuse. I am self-employed and a knitter.

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